Self-doubt
by ~Remy-cake
Self-doubt. That nagging feeling of "I'm not good enough". Everyone has it to some varying degree, wondering "does my hair look good" or "do these pants make me look fat?". People say self-doubt is a form of vanity, to think that everyone cares what you say or do or look like, and maybe it's true. We're all little pawns who think the world revolves around us. But those who have those little Self-doubt Demons are the worse.
If you're one, you know what I mean. That dark, creeping demon inside your body that makes you feel like crawling inside yourself and vanishing away. You spend your whole life trying to tell yourself there isn't anything wrong with you, and when you finally realize there is, your whole world comes crashing down. It's physically painful, the world a living nightmare. "I'm really broken", you think, with tears falling silently down your face. "There's really something wrong with me", and you scream and sob and claw at the walls as though if you tore them down, the walls in your mind will vanish as well.
Sometimes it gets to the point where you can't even take compliments. "You look nice today!" And you smile and say thank-you while inside, the darkness spreads and you want to scream "You're lying!" Or "You did well on ____", yet you go home and tear it up or burn it or throw it against the wall because it's not good enough, it's never good enough.
What's worse is when you tell someone you're broken, and that look of realization on your parent's face that maybe they raised you wrong, maybe it's their fault. Then the darkness screams "It's all your fault!" while at the same time telling you it's yours. The conflict, the pain, the horror of realization that maybe it really isn't someone else's fault. It's so much easier to blame someone else, that when the possibility it's your fault rises to the surface, it hurts. It hurts so much, and all you want to do is fade away.
Vanish. Disappear.
Looking at that, it's easy to see why people consider suicide. Feeling so horrible all the time, so sad and depressed. Especially when you're sitting alone, venting to a computer screen, and suddenly the tears pour down your face and you just can't breathe. You think "there's something wrong with me, there really is something wrong with me" again and again, over and over, the words repeating themselves in the voice of everyone who ever hurt your feelings or slighted you. The friend who started going out with your crush the day after you told her you were finally going to tell him, your mother yelling at you for ruining that pretty dress with your messy hair, the kids laughing at your dated clothes and your torn shoelaces, because things like that truly do matter. Torn shoelaces.
Really.
All you want to do is die, but you're terrified. Terrified of everything. Everything's a nightmare, everything hurts, and there's always the dark, wretched demon tearing apart your insides.
All you want is someone to understand, to hold you when you cry and love you no matter what. The problem is, the demon inside never lets you see that person until you've already lost them. Their touch, their comforting words, are just ghostly memories that remind you how much of a failure you truly are.
I want you to know I understand. My own demon is there, crouching in my mind. It whispers darkly that I'll never do anything with myself, that no one cares, even though parts of me know that's a lie. I could be amazing, if I merely tossed aside the demon in my heart. You, could be amazing, if you had the courage to vanquish it.
If. If might be a big word. "I don't have that strength", you can say, and quite frankly I'm with you on that. Obviously my demon is still here, I haven't defeated it, I've just gained the ability to ignore it from time to time.
But this is here to let you know, when the time comes for you to face your demon, you have the strength and love of every person who has ever felt the same, who has ever thrown a shoe at a mirror to break it, who has left a party because everyone was happy and you didn't want to say anything to ruin the mood, who's ever thought "I'm broken" or "I can't be fixed". Everyone who has conquered their demons will cheer for you. Everyone who still has theirs will cheer for you and weep for joy when you're finally free of the darkness. Maybe we don't know your name. Maybe we're faceless nobodies on the street. But every faceless nobody has their own demon, though the demon of Self-Doubt often gets overlooked as insignificant and easily cured with anti-depressants.
Maybe pills will help you. If they do, I am happy for you. But if they don't, you still have the love of one more person with that demon in their heart.
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